Mastering the brag/bash balance

I'll never forget how hard my mom laughed when I got the term wrong. I mentioned that I preferred it when speakers were 'self-defecating.' She coughed onion soup through her nose, sent me to a dictionary, and I never made that mistake again.

'Self-deprecating.' It's a quality we admire and a technique that we advocate in good speeches and presentations. But doing it well is a tricky balancing act. Too much, and we lose the underlying 'follow me' effect; that psychological pull that inspires audiences to emulate our behaviours. Too little, and you position yourself as an abrasive braggart, earning audience reactions like, "I can't believe they paid him to come here and preen."

I have to walk this line in my own presentations. I have some humorous stories about embarrassing moments in my life, including:
- The time I fell off a treadmill at gym and landed up in a pile against the back wall, ankles around my ears
- The time the IT guy accidentally loaded porn onto the screen behind me while I was speaking to an audience, and
- (One that I'm still working on with my therapist).

...but I also need to refer to some victories, in order to illustrate certain key points; incidents like:
- Winning the Toastmasters Championships for public speaking in my country five times
- Landing my first job on radio, and
- Publishing my first book.

If your speeches are structured in such a way that you need to refer to personal incidents to make your points, are there any useful guidelines you could follow?
Absolutely! Let's explore them by looking at each end of the scale in turn:

1. 'Bragging':

The rule of thumb is this: All self-promoting illustrations must have intrinsic value. They must contribute to the audience's understanding of your message. They have to make a point. If they don't, they shouldn't be there.

Of course you want the audience to know about your credentials, but if they don't add to the speech, they should be relegated to your introduction, if they appear at all. Be secure enough to accept that not every audience needs to know everything you've accomplished.

Our job is to focus on making them greater people, not to illustrate our own greatness.

And so, the question to ask is this: Am I telling this story because I want them to know about my accomplishment, or will this genuinely inspire them? Intrinsic value is always the key.

2. Self-deprecation:

Self-deprecation does not necessarily have to have as much intrinsic value as its counterpart. To a large extent, we use it for the emotional impact it will have on our audiences. Therefore, the criterion becomes:
- It should move them (to laughter or tears)
- It should help them to relate to you as an accessible human being
- It should create an enjoyable, entertaining effect.

What it should not do is take you so far away from your actual point that you dilute the effect of your message. Nor should it make your audience feel uncomfortable. The usefulness of self-deprecation ends where self-pity or self-indulgence begins. Ask yourself: Am I telling them this because it will create emotional impact, or do I simply want pity?

Another useful purpose for self-deprecating stories is to create emotional tension before a triumph, for greater contrast in your speech delivery. You can sell an idea more effectively if you talk about your pain before you applied the idea. In this instance, your 'down' moment exists to throw greater light on the 'up' moment to follow.

A talk about personal finances, for example, can be brought to life with a self-deprecating story about how poor your own financial scenario was prior to your application of the forthcoming ideas. The further down you were, the greater the impact of the subsequent triumph. Without that subsequent triumph, you are merely using your audience as a therapist. ...And that's not what you get paid for.

Then there's the delivery:

When you must tell one of your success stories, don't try to play it down. It actually comes across as a reverse form of bragging, which is equally annoying. If you won the World Championships in one or other field, don't try to diminish its effect by saying, "I won a contest." Say, "I won the World Championships." Belittling a legitimate achievement doesn't make you look humble. You're just over-doing your attempt to avoid bragging, and it shows. If it is truth, state it. Don't play it down. But always begin by asking: Is there intrinsic value to the audience?

Some of the most ticklingly fantastic humour we'll ever create is born in our most embarrassing moments. Some of our most powerful points find their genesis in our own accomplishments. Present them with the right balance, and your audiences will come to love the human being bearing all before them!